


Years Gone By

by allikatt



Category: Spider-Man (Tom Holland Movies), The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Angst, Ben Parker isn't listed as a character because he is already dead, Character Study, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Five Stages of Grief, Gen, Grief/Mourning, POV Third Person Limited, Some other characters also make brief appearances but do not speak, only characters that speak at some point in the story are tagged under Characters, takes place before Captain America: Civil War to after Spider-Man Far From Home
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-09-12
Updated: 2020-11-13
Packaged: 2021-03-06 23:47:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 9,885
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26417434
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/allikatt/pseuds/allikatt
Summary: Peter Parker lost the most important person in the world one cold winter night. Lost in his grief, he decides to talk to his Uncle Ben at his grave. Soon, Peter is telling him everything, from how things are going with Ned and the Academic Decathlon team to his powers and his exploits as Spider-Man. If he talks to Ben long enough, will he be able to process his grief, and more importantly learn to forgive himself?*****The ground lightly crunched as he made his way across the brown expanse. After walking for a few minutes, he reached his destination. He paused, kneeling on top of the uneven dirt, double-checking the marker before sitting down on the frozen ground.“Hey, Ben.” He paused, willfully hoping to hear a response. When the long-awaited reply didn’t materialize, he continued on.“So, it’s been 10 days since it happened… A week since this became your new home.”
Comments: 2
Kudos: 7





	1. The New Normal: 10 Days After

**Author's Note:**

> I have this broken up into parts on my computer, but I will be posting this chapter by chapter as one complete document. For example, Part I is called The New Normal. Thus, all chapters in the first part will be labelled The New Normal: [Insert Chapter Name].

The ground lightly crunched as he made his way across the brown expanse. After walking for a few minutes, he reached his destination. He paused, kneeling on top of the uneven dirt, double-checking the marker before sitting down on the frozen ground. 

“Hey, Ben.” He paused, willfully hoping to hear a response. When the long-awaited reply didn’t materialize, he continued on. 

“So, it’s been 10 days since  _ it  _ happened… A week since this became your new home.” He scoffed. “Some house this is. We both know I should be here instead. It’s my fault. It will always be my fault.”

He could feel the tears forming in his eyes, and was aware they would fall even though he didn’t want them to. He didn’t deserve to cry over this. To mourn, when he’s the reason May doesn’t have a husband anymore. 

The tears fell anyways. “God. This shouldn’t have happened. I am so sorry. I hope that one day you can forgive me. I hope that May can forgive me.”

He smacked the ground in frustration. “I don’t understand why May doesn’t hate me.  _ I  _ hate me. Yet she comes into my room and comforts me whenever she hears me crying. Why? Why does she do that when I’m the one who got you killed?

“She keeps a brave face around me, but I hear her weeping when she thinks I’m asleep. That’s part of the reason I’m here now. She thinks I’m asleep, but I can’t stand being in the apartment for long anymore. It doesn’t feel right.”

He shakes his head. “Of course it doesn’t feel right. All of your stuff is there, but you aren’t. I hate it.  _ I hate it. _ I HATE IT!” He screams into the brisk night air. Quieter, he continues, “You should still be here with us. I need you. May needs you.

“May needs you more than she needs me. Listening to her cry herself each night is something I don’t want to deal with. But I guess I deserve that penance. You should still be in the apartment, and it’s my fault you’re not.” He sniffles, wiping the snot off his face. 

“I could’ve stopped him, ya know. I  _ should’ve _ stopped him. I passed him on the street. I  _ knew _ he was going to rob some place, someone, and I ignored it. I was angry and I didn’t feel like being a good Samaritan, so I ignored it. And now look at where we are!” He throws his hands up, gesturing to the cemetery around them. 

“You’re stuck in the frozen ground, and I’m risking hypothermia to talk to you. But I would risk lava, or a death match, or  _ anything _ , if it meant you’re still here. Still alive.” He could feel tears starting to track down his face, but he ignored them. 

“I wish I could go back. I’d do anything to go back. I’d call you and warn you, or I’d take care of the guy myself like I should’ve done in the first place.

“As much as I wish to bring you back, could’ve, should’ve, and would’ve don’t do shit. It just demonstrates my own inaction.” He banged his fists into the umber soil as if the shockwaves could restart his uncle’s heart. “I know you don’t like me swearing, but what I said is true.”

“Ya know,” he nervously chuckled, running a hand through his hair, “I didn’t visit you to complain. I wanted to apologize, not only for your death, but for not visiting sooner. 

“I’ve told you how I wish I could turn back time, and I don’t think I will ever forgive myself for that night. But I’m also sorry for not visiting.” He took a deep breath before continuing.

“You were placed here, your final resting spot, three days after you died. The funeral was small. May, me, your’s and May’s coworkers, Ned. Us Parkers are a dying family tree.” A harsh laugh escaped him before he choked it off. “Sorry. I took that too far. 

“We buried you so quickly because there was a short thaw. That made it easier to dig out the dirt and everything, I guess. 

“I wish you could have enjoyed it. It was the type of weather you love. Three days 20 degrees above average. It was the mid-40s to low 50s. All the snow melted, and it felt like spring could arrive at any minute despite it still being late January. 

“The sun was bright, and there were no clouds. It felt like the weather was mocking us. Mocking me, since it was bitterly cold and trying to snow when  _ that _ happened. But there it was. The sun offering a bit of warmth for the first time in months. 

“That’s the weather we held your funeral under. I wanted to visit sooner, but I had to wait until everything was put back in place. It seemed wrong to come here before then. That’s why I visited tonight. It’s the first time I’ve come that everything’s looked like it's back in place.”

He paused, weighing if he wanted to admit out loud the real reason it took so long. He was sure that if his uncle was in fact watching him from above, or wherever one goes after they’ve died, he would know that he  _ could have _ visited before. “I also really didn’t want to visit again.” 

He let the implications of that statement hang in the night air before breaking down. “I-I knew once I visited here again, that it would be real. I would  _ have  _ to accept your death as being final. But I don’t want to.”

Whispering to himself wistfully, he continued, “Maybe if I talk to you enough, it’ll be like you never left.”

Shaking his head, he sighed, standing up and stretching. “I really don’t want to leave, but May will be waking up soon. She likes to check in on me during the night, and I don’t want to scare or disappoint her any more. 

“I wish I could stay longer. I’m sorry, and I hope that one day you’ll forgive me.” With one last glance towards the headstone, he jogged over to the nearest wall and jumped over it. He made his way back to his apartment, moving further and further away from the one thing that could make it whole once again.


	2. The New Normal: Fifteen Days After

He snuck into the cemetery once again a few days later. He scraped some snow off of the ground in front of the headstone before sitting down. “Hey, Ben,” he greeted as he gingerly sat down on the icy ground. “Sorry I couldn’t visit again sooner. I wanted to, but between May and the weather, it’s a bit difficult.

“I can’t visit when it snows at night, because my foot prints will give me away. I mean, it’s not like the security will know that it’s  _ me  _ visiting in the middle of the night, but they will know that  _ someone  _ is. And then they’ll increase security, which will make it harder for me to visit when I want to.

“Plus, it might worry May even more if she heard about some random person that apparently hangs out at the cemetery she just buried her husband. One that her teenage nephew visits.” He gave a mirthless chuckle before his voice shifted into something more desperate. “And I  _ need _ to still be able to visit you.

“I also need you to know how sorry I am for this. It should have never happened. It’s my fault that I’m having a one-sided conversation to a headstone instead of one face-to-face with you. And I hope that you can forgive me one day.” He placed a hand on the cold stone. “One day,” he whispered, voice thick.

He cleared his throat before changing the subject. “So, I mentioned that the weather was preventing me from visiting, but so was May. She’s still trying to be strong for me even though I tell her that I’m doing fine. Because I have. I’ve been dealing. She has more of a right to grieve than I do. She didn’t get you killed. Plus, she knew you longer than I have.

“She is still checking in on me whenever she thinks I’m asleep. And then she lets her own grief out. I wish that she would cry in front of me. It is my fault. I feel like I deserve to have to face the anguish I caused. But she won’t, because she’s a good person.”

He shifted on the ground, searching more a more comfortable position. The cold started leeching the heat from his legs. “I keep on mentioning May because she’s the reason why I could come tonight. Tonight is her first night shift since you… you passed on. 

“She didn’t want to go in. She’s worried about me, since this is the first night I’m truly alone overnight in the apartment. You’re not here--” he could feel his eyes start to burn. “You’re not here anymore to come back halfway through her shift, making sure I did my homework and are at least attempting to sleep. 

“I’ve always gone to bed knowing that at least one of you would be there in the morning when I got up, but that’s no longer the case.” The sobs that once threatened him poured out all at once. “A-and I do-don’t like it. I-I don’t l-like it at all.” He sniffled. “Bu-but I didn’t tell May that be-because s-she would have stayed h-home instead and we n-need the money now. 

“I k-know you have savings and a p-pension and wh-whatnot, but I overheard her on the phone saying how she w-wanted to save as much as possible for my c-college career.” He buried his face in his hands. 

Speaking into them, he continued. “I hate knowing that I’m the only person home, and will be the only one home overnight. It’s too much. And May doesn’t want to leave me alone. I know she doesn’t, but she has to. 

“It’s weird, and it’s too much change at once! I wish I could turn back the clock. I would if I could. But I can’t, so once again I’m passing the night having a one-sided conversation to a headstone while May has her first night shift since you died. 

“That’s why I am able to visit. The weather’s nice-- well, not nice, but it’s not snowing, so that’s a plus-- and May is at work, which means that I can leave the apartment without worrying about her checking in on me and not being able to find me. 

“But it’s stupid that I have to rely on those two different things because I used to be able to talk to you whenever I wanted to. In the apartment, calling you on the way to the store, texting you while at Ned’s. And now, I don’t do any of those things. I can’t.”

He sits in silence for a minute, pondering what he just said. He lets the rumble of the last train of the night ground him before he abruptly switches topics.

“Did you know that May hasn’t disabled your cell phone yet? I don’t know why, maybe because it’s not the end of the month? I’m grateful she hasn’t. I miss hearing your voice; I call your phone despite knowing that you won’t pick up. It’s turned off, so it goes to voicemail every time. But that’s why I call. So I can hear your voice _ one more time _ .” He wipes cooled tears off his cheeks.

“That reminds me. I need to record the message and save it. I don’t want to forget what your voice sounds like. I don’t really remember my parents’ voices, and I don’t want the same thing to happen with yours.”

He sat in silence once again, letting the cool glow of the city surround him, the brisk air trying to tangle and detangle his curls all at once. For what very well might have been the first time since Ben’s death, he let himself be in the moment.

Then he pushed it all away. “Wow. That was a lot of sad things, let’s move onto something slightly less depressing. 

“First of all, Liz moved me from an alternate to an actual position on the Decathlon team. Flash tried to say it was out of pity, but everyone else shut him down pretty quick. Cindy said that he was being a jerk. Betty told him to stop taking his jealousy out on me. Michelle said something about the grieving process and fragile masculinity that both embarrassed Flash and put him in his place. Liz assured everyone that it was based off of practice test scores and participation, among other things. Everyone else believed her since Abe and Ned were also selected to take graduating seniors positions. That means that next year’s team consists of Liz, Michelle, Abe, Cindy, Betty, Ned, Flash, and me. Plus any new people that sign up.

“I’m pretty sure if Flash would’ve just kept his mouth shut, he would have also been named into the team instead of just an alternate. But, since he said that, he’s really toned down the whole ‘Penis Parker’ thing and trying to make my life miserable as possible, so that’s nice, I guess. It stucks that this is how that happened though.

“Oh, and Ned and I are having a lot of fun in Robotics Club. Ned programmed our robot to spin around on command and we will be working on programming it to wave at people next. We also want to make our own Knife Roomba, you know, like those videos and posts I showed you. Granted, we can’t get an actual Roomba because they are way too expensive, but we do plan on making a moving disc that can sense perimeters and slapping some plastic knives onto it before letting it go in the wild. And by wild, I mean our classroom. Maybe we can program it to go after Flash…” he mused.

He was shaken out of his thoughts by an alarm going off. Pulling his phone out of his pocket, he saw that it was 1:45 in the morning. He sadly stood up, stretching to encourage his blood to flow back into his slowly freezing limbs.

“I really enjoyed chatting with you, Ben. I’ll have to do this more often. But I have to go. May’ll be home soon, and I don’t want to worry her. She’ll throw a gasket if she comes home and I’m not at least in the apartment, if not my bed!

“I love you, and I’m sorry. I hope you know that.” He turned away, quickly heading back towards his empty apartment.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks so much for reading! My Exit Assessment is coming along great. I'm about 40% through my rough draft, and our Zoom class that goes over everything about it isn't until next Saturday, so I'm not too worried.
> 
> I'll see you next week!


	3. Becoming Spider-Man: 21 Days After

21 Days After

He came prepared this time, pulling his backpack off as he skidded to a stop in front of the familiar stone. He cleared away some snow and sat down, taking out a blanket from the bookbag and placing it across his lap. “Hey, Ben. I hope you’re doing good.”

He dug around his bag a bit more, eventually pulling out a Thermos. “You’re probably wondering what all this extra stuff is, huh. Well, something happened before the event that caused all of this,” he waved his hand in the air, “and one of the effects is that I get colder easier. To try and combat that, I’ve layered up, brought a blanket, and some hot cocoa to try and stay warm longer. Hopefully that works.

“And I know I’m being quite vague about it, but it’ll all make sense soon enough. I just need to organize my thoughts first. And vent a little.” He paused, taking a sip of cocoa. “Okay, vent a lot.”

He cleared his throat. “So, today marks three weeks since you died. I can’t believe it. It feels like you’ve been gone forever, yet it hasn’t even been a month. But, the month has changed over. We’re moving closer towards spring, although it sure doesn’t feel like it. It’s gotten even colder, if you can believe it!

“May disconnected your phone from our plan. The phone itself still works; it’s just like having data turned off. I haven’t recorded or downloaded anything off of it yet, but I plan to in the near future. I hope you don’t mind.” A small smile graces his lips.

“I felt so weird on the first of this month. Here I am, welcoming a new month that you will never witness. It feels like the first step in leaving you behind. An unwanted step. The universe is literally forcing me to move on, making our paths diverge a bit farther every day. I already know that we are never in the same place in space twice, but I know the physical place we once stood is quickly fading away. I want to stop time, but I can’t. 

“Time is interesting, fluid, rigid, constant, never-ending, finite-- all at once. All of these opposites can be used to describe it, but none of them feel right. My own personal time has become messed up since you left. It’s like my clock doesn’t know how to move on without you.

“Tina says that’s normal though.” He takes another sip of cocoa. “Tina’s my therapist, by the way. May found her. She specializes as a grief counselor for teens.

“I don’t think I need therapy, but May disagrees. She says that I witnessed something traumatic and that therapy will help me process it better. I don’t need to go, but Tina seems nice enough. She doesn’t make me talk about something unless I want to, and it’s not as bad as I thought it would be. Then again, I’ve only met her twice. 

“The only reason why I went in the first place is because May misled me. She said she found a new Thai restaurant that she wanted to try, and I agreed to go with her. However, she didn’t mention that we would go only _ after _ I met Tina. 

“I wasn’t really happy with May because she didn’t tell me the truth. At first I didn’t want to speak with Tina, but she just sat there and waited for me to talk. And once I did, I found out some things. Like apparently I went to therapy after my parents died. I don’t really remember that, but I don’t remember a lot from that time. Tina says that it’s due to my brain’s trauma response. It can cause memories deemed traumatic to be remembered fuzzily or fractured, and is common. 

“Another thing I found out is that May is also in therapy. That didn’t surprise me, but once I found out, I knew I couldn’t complain about going to Tina anymore. She’s going for me, so I’ll go for her. The final thing is if it’s alright with me, Tina would like to have a session with both May and I so we can learn to work on the grieving process together or something. 

“So now I visit Tina once a week. I had my second appointment with her yesterday and it wasn’t too bad. She doesn’t like that I keep on blaming myself for your death. She says that I can’t control other people’s actions, and that I need to understand that I tried my best.”

He shook his head. “But Tina doesn’t realize that if I tried my best, you would still be here now and I would have never even met her. If I did my best, I would have stopped that guy before he even saw you.” His frustration caused him to speak faster and faster, his tone also rising. “He talked about robbing someone or something, and I ignored him because I was pissed. If I just would have done something, taken some sort of action, we could be talking face-to-face. But instead, I was passive, so now I talk to you while freezing my butt off in the middle of the night. 

“And here’s the real kicker.” The first tear leaked out of his eye. “I have powers that could have stopped that guy from killing you, but I didn’t use them.” It dripped down his cheek, unnoticed. “And I regret it so much.” Each new tear replaced the previous ones quicker and quicker. “I will regret it until the day I die that I stood there, so helpless, frozen, as he killed you.

“He may have pulled the trigger, but my inaction killed you.” The tears were nonstop down his face. “How can I explain that to Tina when I can barely explain it to you?” He paused as if he were waiting for a response, although he knew he would not hear one. 

Peter sniffed and rubbed the tears off of his face. “You know, you’re the first person I mentioned these powers to. Remember when I went on that field trip to Oscorp about two months ago and how I was really sick for a few days afterwards?

“Well, when we were at Oscorp, they showed us some of the labs. In one of them, they were experimenting with radioactivity in various animals. I got a bit behind the class ‘cause I was distracted by one of the rabbits, and I didn’t notice the spider.” 

He paused for effect. “I was bitten by a radioactive spider.” Chuckling, he continued, “God, that sounds like something from a comic book.”

“Anyways, I was sick for a few days afterwards. We all thought I had a really bad case of the flu, which was believable since I didn’t get a flu shot. After I was over it, however, I realized that it couldn’t have been the flu, as I gained powers. 

“I no longer needed my glasses, but I told you guys that I started wearing my contacts. Actually, all of my senses are dialed up. I gained muscles and found out I could stick to walls. I also noticed that I get cold a lot quicker, hence the extra blanket today.” He patted the fleece draped across his legs.

“Another thing I realized is that I have a warning system of sorts now. It’s kind of like goosebumps, but instead of appearing when I’m cold, it lets me know that danger is near.  _ This _ is what I’m referring to when I say that I could’ve saved you, and that it’s my fault.”

He took a few deep breaths to try and calm himself, but his voice still trembled when he spoke again. “I passed the guy that killed you, and my warning pinged. I was angry and frustrated though, so I ignored it and continued walking. 

“If I had known what was going to happen, I would have stopped him. I wish more than anything else in the world that I stopped him.”

He hung his head in his hands. He thought that airing out his own guilt would make him feel better, but it didn’t. Somehow, he felt worse than before. “It’s my biggest regret in life, ya know. Not saving you. But I have a plan to try and make it up to you. I know I can’t bring you back, but I can do my best to make sure others don’t have to go through what May and I are. 

“You used to tell me that with great power comes great responsibility. I’ve literally been granted these weird powers, and I haven’t used them properly. That’s going to change. I’m going to step up and become a hero. It’s my responsibility to help those in need, so I’m going to do just that. That’s why I have these powers. I couldn’t save you, but I can save others, so that’s what I’m going to do.” 

“I have a list of things I need to buy and make before I go out saving anybody.” He took his phone out of his backpack’s pocket and opened up the Notes app. “I’m thinking about going with a spider theme, seeing as that what gave me these powers in the first place. I know, I know, it’s hilarious that I’m embracing a spider theme since I hate them so much. But it’s for the Aesthetic™. 

“Anyways, I need to make myself a costume of some sort. Since I get cold a lot easier than before, I need to make sure it’s made out of some type of warm material. I also need to make sure I cover my face so that no one knows who I am. I’m thinking about adding goggles so I can focus better. 

“I’ve also designed some web shooters of my own invention. They are going to hold web fluid that I created. I don’t have the exact formula down yet, but that’s what chemistry lab is for. 

“I’m still in the planning stages, but I’ll hopefully have everything done within the next two weeks.” He smiled and started putting his phone and thermos back in his book bag. “Then, I can start making Queens a safer and better place.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading this chapter! I hope you have a lovely day/evening/night.
> 
> So this week has been busy. I have three projects due on the same day, one for each of my classes, in less than three weeks. When I saw that in my planner, it started stressing me out. And although I already completed one and am working through the other two, I'm still worried that I won't complete them in time.
> 
> I've also been neglecting my Exit Assessment, mostly because its in bits and pieces right now and generally unorganized because I've been typing out portions as I've felt like it and ignoring the format it's supposed to be in other then the bare bones outline of it. As of me typing this, it is due to my advisor in 28 days. 
> 
> In better news, I had an interview for a job at another branch of the place I work at this week. Despite it also being only part time, it comes with healthcare, benefits, and I can join the union. Crossing my fingers that I get it!
> 
> If you've read this far, thank you! Until next time, bye!


	4. Becoming Spider-Man: 34 Days After

13 days later, he returned to the grave under the cover of darkness. Except instead of being in his pajamas or a sweatshirt and jeans, he was wearing a blue and red outfit complete with a mask. After glancing around to make sure that no one was around, he uncovered his face.

“Hiya, Uncle Ben! Could you tell it was me at first?” He chuckled at his own joke before growing somber. “I told you I was going to do something so that what happened to you won’t happen to anyone else. And here it is.” He did a slow spin in a circle. “What do you think?”

He paused, waiting for an answer he knew he wouldn’t receive before plopping on the ground. “I have these weird powers, and I need to do something with them, as just having them isn’t cutting it anymore. So, I’m going to help the people of Queens. I have heightened senses now-- I told you about that last time. But I also have heightened reflexes to go with it. I’m a lot stronger now, and I don’t need my glasses or inhaler, which is pretty cool. 

“Plus, I can stick to things. Remember how you used to claim I climbed up the walls, well, now I can literally do that. I’ve walked on the ceiling of my room. How cool is that?

“But I didn’t come here to talk about my powers.” He waved off that train of thought. “I mostly came here tonight because I finished my costume and I wanted to tell you all about it.” He stood up once again, goggles in hand. “It’s kind of hard to tell in this light, but my suit is blue and red. Both of our favorite colors. A way to honor and remember you. I hope you don’t mind…” He shook his head to stop himself from being dragged into a memory

“The outfit was the easiest to find and make. I just went to the thrift store and bought a sweatshirt and sweatpants, along with some extras. I also got a sewing kit so I can mend the suit with the extra fabric I bought. As I was going to check out, I noticed these cool goggles. They kind of remind me of welder’s goggles.

“And I know what you’re thinking. ‘How can Peter possibly see out of these?’ Well, to answer your question, they help me focus. Due to my enhanced senses, I notice a lot more than before. These help me tune out a lot of it and filter through to what’s really important.

“Finally, I have my web shooters. These took me the longest to make. I had to come up with a web solution, test it, create a cartridge to hold it, and then build a mechanism that shot it out on command.” He rolled up his left shirtsleeve. “I think they are pretty cool, if I do say so myself.” He twisted his wrist around, providing the headstone with a 360 degree view of the web shooter before unrolling the sleeve. “Pretty sweet, huh.”

“So, before I started on the actual web shooter, I designed the formula. Let me just say, I am grateful that slime kits are so popular right now. Also, that Chemistry Club is so inattentive when locking up the storeroom. But you didn’t hear that from me. 

“Why am I grateful for slime kits, you ask? Well, my web formula base is a variantant of the one used to make slime, with some added chemicals that I borrowed from Midtown’s chemistry lab supply room. Slime kits are cheap and easy to find; I swear that it’s becoming its own aisle in the craft store. That makes it easy for me to purchase and make in bulk. Plus, May won’t question it, assuming that it’s for an experiment or something with Ned. It’s perfect.

“And, thanks to the forgetfulness for the Chemistry Club, I was able to grab enough of the other things I needed to create small batches and test them out. After about four or five days, I perfected the formula. And I can always create more in Mr. Bruns class. He doesn’t pay that much attention when he’s lecturing, and even less when we’re doing labs.” He shrugged before realizing what he just said.

“It’s not that Mr. Bruns is a bad teacher,” he hastitly retracted his previous statement. “It’s that he doesn’t really pay attention to people in the class that know what they are doing. I happen to fall into that category. He spends most of lab time hovering near the few lab tables known for not following the rules or that are accident-prone. Since I don’t fall into either of those groups, I have more flexibility for working on it. 

“So, yeah. I created my own web fluid. It’s really strong-- I can swing on it, and it can hold bad guys at bay. It also dissolves on its own in two hours, leaving plenty of time for the cops to come and take them to jail. I’m really proud of it, and I hope you are too.”

“And I know what you’re thinking. No, May doesn’t know.” He sighed. “She’s going through so much right now, with everything. It’s a huge adjustment, ya know. And I don’t want to burden her any more or make her worry. It’s not fair to her. Besides, I’m a high schooler, I can handle this.

“I can protect Queens. I have to. My powers, my responsibility. I couldn’t… I couldn’t save you. So this is my penance of sorts. It will never replace you, of course, but it may help me feel better.

“At least, that’s what Tina says. She thinks that helping others may help me work through my own grief. Granted, she thinks that I want to volunteer at some type of charity organization or something, but it’s the same concept.” He shrugged.

“I hope you’re proud of me. You know I’ve always tried to do the right thing, and this is the right thing to do. People need my help, so I’ll help them. I’ll be the best I can be. And that’s how I’ll make it up to you, okay Ben?” He wiped away the tears on his cheeks. “I can’t bring you back, but I wish I could. So these people out here, the ones I save, know that they’re all for you, okay?

“But enough about me. May is hanging in there, and I’m trying to make things as easy as possible for her. The last week was difficult though. Although you guys never went out to celebrate it, Valentine’s Day was a few days ago. I can’t imagine how it must feel to see all these cards, candies, and gifts in general celebrating love when you’re in mourning and don’t even want to think about it. Yet I never heard May mention it, or even acknowledge it.

“I didn’t want to upset her, so I forwent the cheesy chocolates. Besides, that was your thing. I did buy some pink carnations though. They were selling them at school, and I figured they might make her smile. I didn’t mention them at all, but she did thank me for them after she got home from work the next day, so I count it as a success.”

Peter wanted to say more, but couldn’t without crying. And he promised himself he wouldn’t cry today, as it was a good thing, not a negative one. So instead, he stood up, and turned away from the grave. “Until next time.” With that, he shot a web and swung out of the cemetery. May was working tonight; he could weep in his own bed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading!
> 
> It's my headcannon that Peter picked blue and red for his suit in part to honor his Uncle Ben. In my head, blue was Ben's favorite color, and Peter's is red (bc of Iron Man).
> 
> And now onto a more personal note. My Exit Assessment is due in less than 3 weeks and I don't want to even look at it. Thank goodness past me knew I would be like this and made sure most of it was already written before hitting this point. I was like this when I was working on my thesis in undergrad. I did all of the research and then I didn't write the bulk of it until it was due in less than a week. The good news is that I have less than 1000 words to write before I reach the minimum page requirement, and I still have two whole sections I haven't started writing yet. So at least it will be long enough!
> 
> I hope you have a lovely day/night!


	5. The First Few Months: Early March

The ground softly squished under his feet as he made his way over to the grave. There was a brief warm up, enough to melt most of the snow. Add that to the rain over the past few days, and the ground was quite muddy. He squatted when he reached his destination. Reaching out to touch the cool, wet stone, he sighed. “Hey, Ben. How are things?”

He didn’t wait for an answer, instead glancing around to make sure they were truly alone, and ripped off his mask. “Things for me were going really well for a bit. But… not anymore. Flash started picking on me again. I guess my grace period is up. I wish he would still leave me alone, but I assume that’s too much to ask for.

“May and I have fallen into a new routine of sorts. She’s off on either Tuesday or Wednesday each week, along with every Thursday and Sunday. Plus, she mostly works day shift. She doesn’t like working doubles anymore, nor working nights, so she tries to trade with the other nurses. She doesn’t want me to be alone in the apartment overnight. Usually, she trades so that her night shifts are on Friday or Saturday so I can sleepover at Ned’s house. She did take a night shift on Monday last week and let me stay home. I didn’t burn the place down or anything, so maybe she’ll trust me to stay home alone more often.

“Academic decathlon is doing great. Mr. Harrington believes if we continue to win competitions like we have, there is a chance that we’ll make it to states. It’s his dream to go to Nationals. I think that we can make it to states. Liz is a great team captain.”

He quickly stands up, wiping his face with the sleeve of his suit. “I just wish that you were still in the crowd cheering me on. May tries to attend the competitions, but with her work schedule, she’s missed the past two tournaments. Flash has noticed, and I hate it.” Frustration seeps into his voice.

“I get that his parents don’t attend the AcaDeca events, but at least they are alive. With you gone, I only have one parental unit left, and it isn’t fair. And I know I shouldn’t feel this way because May tries her hardest, but I hate it. I wish all the time that I could go back to two months ago and that I could save you so I don’t have to deal with everyone’s pity. Or have Flash use my grief against me and to mock me for it.” His chest was heaving at the end of his speech, his throat closing up on words he wanted to say.

He took a few deep breaths before continuing. “Tina says that it’s okay to get angry, that it is part of the grieving process, but I don’t know. Apparently people are usually angry at whoever’s died, but I could never be mad at you, Ben. Instead I’m mostly mad at myself.

“Tina calls it survivor’s guilt. She knows I blame myself since I saw the guy who killed you. But she doesn’t know that I could’ve stopped him and I didn’t. She does know that I’ve been visiting you. She thinks that it’s good for my grieving process. She hasn’t told May, however. I asked her not to, because I haven’t talked to her about visiting you yet. And she hasn’t brought it up, so I didn’t want to talk about it and pressure her into visiting. I don’t know if she’s visited you yet, but she misses you so much, Ben…” 

He lets the ambient noise of Queens late at night swallow up what he was going to say next. How could he possibly convey to Ben how much they missed him? Tell him about how his toothbrush still sits in the holder with May and his own. Or how the throw pillow he would always move when he sat down on the couch hasn’t been touched since that fateful night. Or how all Peter wanted yesterday was some of Ben’s famous scrambled eggs. And even though he followed the instructions to a tee, it still didn’t taste quite right. Or how May refuses to open the cabinet that holds a bag of his coffee, and doesn’t want to throw it out either. Or how they’d much rather live with a ghost of Ben, one created in their own minds, instead of acknowledging that he isn’t coming home. 

But he won’t mention any of that; he’s sure that Ben already knows. He shakes his head, removing himself from those thoughts. “I’ve started patrolling the neighborhood at night. Well, it’s not really nighttime, more like evening hours, but that’s because I don’t want to scare May and not be home when she gets off of work. And I know what you’re thinking. How can I be talking to you right now then, since it’s the middle of the night. Well, May is working overnight tonight-- she couldn’t trade, so I’m here.

“I’ve only patrolled for a few days, and no one knows who I am, or what to call me. There isn’t a lot of crime when I patrol, since it’s so early, but I’ve stopped a few purse snatchers. Granted, the one lady thought I was going to rob her, even though I took it away from the guy who stole her purse in the first place. I tried to tell her I wasn’t trying to take it, and instead wanted to give her purse back to her, but I don’t think she understood me. So I ended up cautiously placing her bag down in front of her on the sidewalk and walking away. I then slipped into the nearest alley and did some roof-hopping to get as far away as possible. I don’t want people to be afraid of me; I’m only trying to help.” He sounded glum, but perked right back up. 

“Luckily, everyone else I’ve been helping seems to realize that. This one woman asked for directions and bought me some chips and a bottle of water to thank me. I tried to tell her she didn’t need to, but she insisted. She was nice.”

“I know I just started, but hopefully the people of Queens start to recognize me and like me. I mean, they get to have their own superhero, kind of like how Daredevil has Hell’s Kitchen. But I don’t plan on killing anyone or anything like that.” Quieter, he continued. “I could never do that.”

He looked down at his phone, the screen glowing softly. “Well, I’d love to stay and chat some more, but I need to finish writing an outline for a Spanish project. We have to pick a city and create a travel presentation and brochure about a city in the US and present it to the class. Ned and I chose Chicago, and I told him I would have it done tomorrow.”

He kissed his glove-covered hand and placed it on the headstone. “I love you, Ben.” And then he was gone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading! While it's not the most popular thing I've written it's one of my favorites.
> 
> My advisor sent an email out stating that all Exit Assessments must be in by the 20th for review, so I have 11 days. I am 500 words short of my word count goal (having already reached the required number of pages), and I still haven't talked about one of the main ideas or the conclusion yet, so wish me luck! Also, I'm over halfway done with the semester already, which is really crazy. My last week is Thanksgiving week, and usually we don't end until mid-December, so it's really weird to be over halfway through already. 
> 
> Thanks so much for reading this far! I hope you have a wonderful and insightful week!


	6. The First Few Months: Mid-March

“Hello, Ben!” Peter was in a great mood. “You’ll never guess what happened today!” He brushed off some snow off the ground and sat down. “I should probably start at the beginning.

“So I woke up this morning, and May surprised me by making slightly burnt pancakes for breakfast, her latest specialty. I was already expecting her at work, but her coworker begged her to switch with her, so she’s working now. And the pancakes were good. She put in bananas and chocolate chips, my favorite.

“Then, at school, I got my Geometry test back, and I got 105%, as I got everything correct plus three points of extra credit. Then, in Robotics, Ned and I finished coding our robot. He can now wave at us. And at AcaDeca practice, Mr. Harrington told us that we qualified for states! I’m so excited. And it’s far enough away in the future that May can request time off for it! Did I mention I’m excited?

“As soon as Liz heard the news, she told us that we’d be doubling our efforts, practicing three times each week for 1½ hours instead of our current twice weekly 1 hour sessions. Everyone’s really excited because it’s the first time that MidTown Tech has even qualified for states. 

“And the final thing that happened today is that the newspapers have given me a superhero name: Spider-Man! I didn’t really think of a name for myself at first, and then people started to call me Spider-Man, but the newspapers calling me that makes it official! I think I’m going to add a spider on my suit to celebrate!

“And at least the name makes sense. I shoot webs and can climb up walls. It’s not a misnomer, like Iron Man. I don’t think that there is any iron alloy in his suit. Or Deadpool. What does that have to do with anything?” He pondered for a moment. “Maybe he’s called Deadpool because of his high kill count, leaving people dead…” He trailed off as his mind intrusively went back to  _ that  _ night. He swallowed, collecting his thoughts. “Well, I’m sure you can make the connection.” He shook his head to clear his mind. 

“Anyways,” he continued in a much brighter tone, “I came here to tell you how my life is looking up right now. I know if you were here, you’d tell me how proud you are. May made sure that I knew that when she called on her break. I think she told me that because she knows I still blame myself for what happened. I still do, but I also know that you’d be so excited to cheer Midtown on at states. I wish that you could be there to see it. I have a feeling that it's going to be awesome. But May promised me that she would be there, so at least I have someone cheering me on. 

“I miss you a lot. Still. It doesn’t hurt as much as it did when you first… left, but it’s still there. Tina said to think of grief like a wound. At first, it’s open and bleeding and it hurts a lot because the trauma is still fresh. Once it starts to scab over and heal, however, it doesn’t hurt as much. Of course, you still notice it, and it hurts from time to time, but the pain isn’t as strong as before. Eventually, the wound will completely heal, but leave a scar. Sometimes, the scar fades away, until only you can remember that it was there in the first place.

“Pretty much, the more I live without you, the easier it will become for me. I’ll get used to not having you around, and it won’t hurt as much. But I’m scared that I’ll start to forget things, like how the crinkles around your eyes appeared whenever I showed you the latest thing I built, or the face you made when you tried something May cooked and are about to lie and tell her how good it tastes. And I don’t want to forget that and the million other little quirks that made you, you.” He swallows the lump that is starting to form in his throat. “Even though I know that it is inevitable that I will start forgetting, and that I probably have forgotten some already.” 

“I wish I could hug you one last time.” With that truth uttered, tears began to roll down Peter’s cheeks. He quickly placed his hands over his mouth to muffle his sobs. He sat there crying, unable to voice any of the thoughts whirling around in his head until the alarm on his phone went off an indeterminable amount of time later.

He stood up, wiping the tears off of his face. “I didn’t get to tell you everything I wanted to, but I have to get back before May gets home from work.” He kissed his gloved fingers and touched the tombstone. “I love you so much. And I’m sorry I couldn’t save you.” And with that apology, he set off towards the empty apartment.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello everyone! Thanks for reading! I hope you enjoyed this chapter! I apologize for this update being a day late! I was celebrating my best friend's birthday yesterday evening (with masks, outside, and social-distancing) and got home way later then I expected to. 
> 
> My Exit Assessment rough draft is due in 3 days and it's still not completed (but it is almost there)! I'm turning it in on Monday for review, so I'm going to finish it tomorrow. But school in general is kicking my butt and stressing me out. Thankfully things will calm down after November 4, which is when my final Exit Assessment is due.
> 
> As always, thank you so much for reading! I hope you have a fantastic day/night!


	7. The First Few Months: Late March

The teen skidded to a stop in front of the familiar grave. He glanced around, double-checking that he was alone before pulling the mask off and throwing it on the ground. Chest heaving, he also sat down. “Hi, Ben. I think May is going to kill me.

“Then, she’s going to find out I’m Spider-Man and kill me again.” Peter laughed mirthlessly. “I guess I should start at the beginning. So, I’ve been getting better at the whole Spidermanning thing, and people are taking notice. So is the media. 

“A few days ago at breakfast, May commented on Spider-Man, saying that it was dangerous for him to be out fighting criminals at night with what looks like zero training. She must have seen the video of the guy attacking me with a pipe last week. I’m pretty sure I cracked a few ribs. But don’t worry, I wrapped them when I got home and I was good to go in a day or two. 

“And she’s right about that, I’m learning everything on the job. Well, when she said it, my brain was all “SHE KNOWS” and then I choked on the piece of toast I was chewing on. She ran around the table and hit my back a few times until I stopped coughing. She gave me a funny look, so I think she’s on to me. 

“Couple that with the fact that I’m 99% sure I have two black eyes right now, I’m pretty sure she’s going to say something tomorrow. And she might figure out I’m Spider-Man, which means I’ll be in so much trouble.” He buried his face into his hands.

The panic was evident in his voice. “What am I going to do? I mean, I could get lucky and have them both magically heal up by the time she sees me tomorrow. But I highly doubt that. Maybe I could lie and say I was wacked by a locker at school today and Flash pushed me into a door today? One black eye story is believable; two, not so much. Especially on the same day.

“Maybe instead of Flash pushing me I tripped over my shoelaces? Despite gaining a danger sense as a power, I’m still as clumsy as before I was bitten. That is a bit more believable, and goes along the lines of Parker Luck™.” He sighed, but continued to talk himself up.

“And when I get home, I’ll drink a glass of water. It’s supposed to be good for your skin. I remember May sent me some article on drinking water to reduce acne a while ago. Does the same concept work with bruises?”

Peter picked up his mask and clutched it in his hands. “I know, I still haven’t told you the most important part, how exactly did I end up with two black eyes? Well, I started patrolling today around 8pm. At first it was all good, helping a tourist find the Trader Joe’s, helping an old lady carry her bags. Then, around 9:00, I heard a shriek. I followed the noise and I saw two muggers. One was holding a woman hostage with a knife to her throat while the other rifled through her bag for her wallet. I swooped in and pulled the hand with the knife away from the woman and stuck it to the alley wall. The woman was standing there, surprised, and the other guy stopped looking through the bag and came at me with his fist. I ducked out of the way, but not enough. The handbag that was on his punching arm smacked me in the face. I don’t know what she keeps in there, but it hurt a lot. I webbed up the second guy while the woman called the cops. I asked her if she wanted me to stay, and I was there until the cops pulled up. 

“So, that’s how I got the first black eye of the night. About an hour after that, I heard a dog whimpering while I’m swinging, so I stopped by to see if it was hungry or something. Instead, I find a dog being cornered by a guy holding onto a broken beer bottle. I think he was on LSD or something because he was shouting that the fairies and leprechauns were coming for him and moving erratically. He was advancing on the dog so I got between them. That was a mistake because the man went absolutely crazy, asking how I, the fae king, got there so fast to defend the dragon and waving the bottle around. 

“He rushed at me and I dodged, but I then realized that was what he wanted to happen, so he could attack the dog. I shot a web out and yanked him back, and he fell down. I wretched the bottle out of his hand and webbed it up so he couldn’t use it. I then tried to web him but it didn’t work so I went for the dog instead. But the dog didn’t trust me either, so I’m stuck trying to get the dog to trust me and fight off the dude. The guy comes after me with the bottle _again,_ but this time I wasn’t ready. And he whacked me in the face with it. And it hurt. It wasn’t like what you see in the movies, where someone cracks a bottle over someone’s head and it breaks. Nope. It didn’t break apart anymore. So then, in my haze of pain, I see him advancing on the dog. I web the bottle away from him and web the guy to the wall. He hollered at me, and I ignored him and checked on the dog. He seemed okay, just scared. He had a collar on, and I noticed that his house was only 4 blocks away. He must’ve ran away or slipped out. So I took him back home.

“Although it was pretty late out, a light was still on. I knocked on the door and a young woman opened the door. She looked exhausted, but her face lit up when she saw that I had her dog in my arms.” Peter smiled at the memory.

“And then I came here. Because how am I going to hide my two black eyes from May tomorrow, well, technically later today. I obviously can’t tell her the story I just told you.” He stopped pacing, an idea stopping him in his tracks. “Or maybe I can use some of May’s concealer to hide the black eyes. That’ll definitely work.” He nodded to himself before talking himself up some more. “Michelle, this one girl on the AcaDeca team, she randomly showed me this video of one of the YouTube beauty gurus doing this crazy makeup look. They completely covered up their acne scars and made it look like they were wearing no makeup on top of that. I’m sure I can figure out something. I mean, how hard can it be? Makeup is like paint and your face is the canvas.

“I should get going, Ben. I need to practice a bit before May gets home. I love you, and I miss you.” And with that, he launched himself into the night sky.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello everyone! Thanks so much for tuning in for this week's update! I really appreiacte it! 
> 
> I submitted my Exit Assessment for review to my advisor earlier this week. My final draft of it is due the day after the election (Nov. 4 for anyone not in the US). If you are in the US, make sure that you vote! You vote on much more than the next leader of our nation. You also vote for you House representative, state representatives, judges, school board officials, and local issues too! So if you are able to, please vote!
> 
> And things are looking up in my professional life too. I'll comment more on it once things are set in stone. 
> 
> Once again, thank you so much for reading! I may not post next week due to school. It depends on how much I'm stressing about my Exit Assessment! But I will try! 
> 
> Thank you so much for reading! I hope you have a whimsical day!


	8. The First Few Months: Early April

“Oh my goodness! Ben, you wouldn’t believe what happened today.” Peter was still hyped up from it, and decided to pace instead of fidgeting on the ground. “I stopped a bus with my bare hands. I couldn’t believe it, but I did.

“So, I was swinging, starting my patrol like I usually do after dinner when my danger sense pinged. I heard people screaming and something honking really loud. I swing over and I see it is a bus full of people. The driver seems to have lost control of the bus, and is honking at people to get out of the way. Luckily, so far the lights are green for the bus, but up ahead, about three blocks, the light is turning yellow, meaning that the other lights will also be changing shortly.

“I pick up my swinging speed, trying to get there as fast as I can, and the bus goes through the first light while it is still green.At first, I try to stop the bus, by shooting webs at it and being dragged by it. But that isn’t working fast enough, so I start swinging again to get in front of the bus. I’m now next to the bus and the light ahead is turning yellow. The bus barely makes it through, and I’m now in front of the bus. The light ahead is still red, however, and the bus doesn’t show signs of stopping. I web up the top two corners of the windshield and use that to hold myself steady as I push against the bus. I’m pushing as hard as I can, and by some miracle, I get it to stop only inches from the busy intersection. 

“After the bus came to a complete standstill, I escorted all of the passengers off of the bus. The driver insisted on being the last person, to make sure that everyone else is safe. Once I reached him, he told me that something went wrong with the breaks, as they gave out for no apparent reason. 

“People on the sidewalks were cheering for me, Spider-Man. Some even asked for selfies. However, a bunch of people called the police, so I left almost as soon as everyone was out of the bus and they said they were okay. Although the people of Queens love me, I am a vigilante and technically breaking the law.

“Also, it seems like this one newspaper,  _ The Daily Bugle _ , is out to get me. No matter how many old ladies I help across the street or robberies I stop, they only print negative things. I’ve never even met the editor-in-chief, J. Jonah Jameson, yet he definitely has it out for me. 

“And I know that I won’t be universally loved, but it hurts to see someone attack me so often. I also know that you would say that he is picking on me because he is jealous of my powers, but he doesn’t disparage any other known superheroes.”

Peter sighed before changing the subject. “Did I tell you that May’s work request was approved? She’s going to see the AcaDeca team compete in the state competition in two weeks! I’m so excited, as this is the first match that she has seen since before winter break. And Liz hasn’t let up the intense practice schedule either. She wants us to go to the National Championship more than anything else right now. I’ve been asked so many physics and chemistry questions that I feel like my brain is going to melt from all the pressure it’s under. Thankfully, Ned’s in the same boat as me, so we can light-heartedly complain together. 

“We just need to make sure not to say anything in front of Liz. Three days ago, Flash asked why we were all practicing so hard since we already had it in the bag. If Mr. Harrington wasn’t there, I’m sure Liz would’ve kicked Flash off of the team. After Mr. Harrington took Liz out in the hallway to talk to her, Michelle mentioned that his lack of effort to study was part of the reason that he was only an alternate, and that saying things like that proved that he wasn’t ready to be a full member of the team. She said it very calmly and matter-of-factly, and Flash didn’t know how to respond. He looked like a fish out of water while he tried to formulate a response, and didn’t come up with one by the time Liz and Mr. Harrington returned.”

He chuckles. “That was the first time in a long time that I saw Flash so speechless. It was great!”

The teen became somber once more. “I wish that you could see me at the state competition. I miss seeing your face in the crowd, clapping like crazy whenever I answer a question correctly. I miss you so much that it physically hurts sometimes. Like there is a hole in my chest that will never fill. And I know that it’s normal. Tina says that it makes sense. I’m missing you more because my AcaDeca State competition is the first major event in my life that you’re not here for. And although I don’t want to confront it, the event is making me realize that I have to recognize that you’re dead and not coming back.

“I don’t really follow Tina on this because I obviously know that you’re not going to rise from the dead like you’re Jesus. And I visit here often enough that I would know if the ground was disturbed. I’ve been talking to your headstone for almost three months now. Tina knows this. So does May, although they both only know about the pre-approved daytime weekend visits. 

“I guess what she’s saying is that I’m realizing that I’m starting to move on from you too. Just a little bit. I’m going to experience things, such as the upcoming state championship, without you. And while I might not be okay with it, I still have to process it and recognize that I live in a world without you.” 

Peter wiped at his eyes. “Man, I told myself that I wasn’t going to cry today. But I guess that proves how much I miss you. After all, you’re the one who told me that tears are my body’s way of getting rid of my extra emotions.” His phone’s ringtone went off, stopping him from continuing. 

He answered it. “Oh, hey May!... No I haven’t been crying… Only if you want to… Okay! See you soon… I larb you too!”

He hung up the phone. “That was May. She knows I’ve been crying. She also got off work early and is picking up Thai takeout so I need to head back to the apartment. I’ll see you later. Bye, Ben!” He pulled the mask back over his face and dashed out of the cemetery, hoping to beat May home. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, again everyone! Thank you so much for reading! I apologize for the longer absence. I was going to post last Friday when I got the worst headache of my life. Touching my head hurt and my teeth were throbbing. And looking at a screen wasn't going to help.
> 
> I would also like to point out that I messed up with canon a bit despite we wanting to stick to it (for now). In CACW, Peter stops a car from hitting a bus. Sorry that I switched it but I was too far into the story to change it once I realized I messed up.
> 
> In my personal life, things are looking up for me. I turned in my Exit Assessment and passed half of it so far; I'll find out about the other half this upcoming week. I also have a new job, which I'm starting at the end of the month! Maybe reading this will impart some good vibes onto you too!
> 
> Thanks for tuning in! I'll see you next week!

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for reading! 
> 
> I plan on posting a chapter per week for now, but that may change as the semester goes on. I'm in my final semester of graduate school so to encourage myself to write my Exit Assessment, I'm also writing this. Every day that I work on the Assessment allows me to also work on this story. But don't worry, I already have about 12 chapters pre-written!


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